Murder, megalomania and annoying little brothers: The life of Empress Lucilla 

The life of Lucilla is one that can be read a myriad of ways and history has had a crack at all of them! She’s been a scheming bitch, a jealous scheming bitch and also an innocent (and occasionally scheming) maternal type. But as with anything, life isn’t that black and white. In fact the life of Lucilla is more shades of grey. Was she an innocent? No. Was she a stone cold bitch? No. Was she a schemer extrodinare? Hell yes!

The daughter of acclaimed Emperor Marcus Aerilius, Lucilla was just one in a line of Roman political powerhouses. As such she was quickly married off; with Daddy Emperor picking a suitably auspicious spouse…his co-ruler Lucius Verus (who FYI happened to be twice his young brides age…)

And so overnight, teenage Lucilla became Empress Lucilla.

yass queen! gif
Go get it Luci  via giphy

Going through puberty and finding your place at the helm of a global super power may not seem like a great pairing, but Lucilla blossomed in her new role.

Intelligent and charismatic she learned on the job. When her husband was away, she’d cover for him, picking up essential skills in diplomacy, negotiations and generally becoming a political badass in her own right. Soon Lucilla was one of the Roman Empires most powerful and influential women.

overnight success gif
via giphy

But then Lucius Verus died and sans husband, Lucilla was stripped of her role as Empress.

Overnight all Lucilla’s power and influence turned to dust …the same could not be said for her younger brother, Commodus, who was set to become the first emperor in Roman history chosen because of birth right (being Marcus Aerilius son) rather than actual aptitude!

Emperor Commodus
I know what your thinking, what a totally normal and sane looking future ruler!

This wasn’t a great plan – you see, Commodus had all the ingredients of a super dick; he was handsome (and veeery aware of it), easily influenced, with a  quick temper and a petty bloodlust to rival Joffrey…actually, thinking about it, in many ways he is proto real world Joffrey!

Joffery gif.gif
This fucking prick though   via giphy

Unsurprisingly megalomaniac dicks without the smarts to back up their ass hattery do not make great rulers.

In the words of Roman historian and Com’s contemporary, Dio Cassius, Commodus reign saw Rome turn:

‘From a kingdom of gold to one of iron and rust’

Lucilla was not here for this.

Lucilla
Lucilla

By the time Commodus came into power, Lucilla was remarried to politician Tiberius Claudius Pompeianus Quintianus (who had the worlds longest name and was once more, twice Lucilla’s age!).

The marriage to Quintianus allowed Lucilla nowhere near the political influence she had once had (though to be fair, the only way she’d have got that back is if she’d married her brother…ick)

Without power or influence, the only choice Lucilla had was to helplessly watch as her brother slowly but surely fucked up the Roman Empire.

OR she could have her brother murdered…Lucilla went for option 2.

bold choice gif .gif
Bold choice   via giphy

Working with the head of the Praetorian Guard (the Emperors Guard) and other politicians and family members (including Lucillas own daughter) who had all had it with Commodus, Lucilla hatched a plan to murder her little brother.

The nephew of Lucillas husband, Quintianus, was hired as assassin. During a series of games Commodus was holding, Junior Quintianus was to hide in the shadows of the Colloseum. Commodus would walk past unaccompanied and it would be then that Juinor Quintianus would dispatch him from behind.

Not exactly a groundbreaking assination plot, but one that would do the job.

The day of the games came. Junior Quintianus hid in the colloseum. A lone Commodus walked past and Junior Quintianus leapt out of his hiding place, dagger brandished, shouting:

‘This is what the senate has sent you!’ 

Commodus then tackled Junior Quintianus to the ground and the assination attempt was foiled.

Life lesson: DO NOT SHOUT YOUR ULTRA SECRET MURDER PLANS AT PEOPLE YOU’RE MEANT TO BE QUIETLY SNEAKING UP ON 

also dont hire some guys cousin .gif
Also don’t ever hire some guys cousin             via giphy

Lucilla was quickly caught.

As it was his sister, Commodus chose not to execute Lucilla. But he couldn’t have her running around Rome anymore, so Lucilla and her daughter were exiled to Capri (a pretty nice exile vacay if you can get it!)

A year later and Lucilla was safely exiled…so naturally Commodus then ordered her execution. A soldier was sent to Capri, where both Lucilla and her daughter were quietly murdered.

Commodus was now free to be an ass-hat, which he did to the extent that he is now credited with the downfall of the Roman Empire!

commodus gif.gif
*cue all the sarcastic clapping*    via giphy

This was really interesting! Where can I find out more? Well, there aren’t really any books on just Lucilla. But there whilst researching this I found a really interesting book series: A woman and her master, by Sydney Morgan. Written in the Victorian era, the books examine the roles of woman from classical civilisation and the bible.

A woman and her master, volume 2, has a cracking chapter which looks at Lucilla as well as the other woman in Commodus life. You should totally go check it out!!

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