History fiiiiiight! Which bitch had the baddest barnet? Which woman had the best wigs? Which queen was the most quaffed?
We are gonna take a look at some of our fave historical hairstyles and let them battle it out to be crowned the ultimate hair goddess! We are marking on:
- Practicality (like can you pop down the shops to get a can of Sprite AND get down at a discotheque)
- Sexiness (I should not have to explain sexiness)
- Drama (does it make you scream OH MY FUCKSY WHO IS SHE?!).
Famed Mexican painter and one of our original style crushes Kahlo is first up in the ring.
Our girl Frida created some seriously iconic hair looks, she is the queen of the flower crown and the sexy slicked back do.
Frida’s self portraits were full of colour and vibrancy reflecting her love for Mexico and her Mexican Heritage but sadly her work wasn’t really appreciated in her lifetime until there was a Frida renaissance in the 1970s thanks to feminists who questioned why she wasn’t more widely celebrated.*
*hint it’s cause if you ain’t a white, straight male history doesn’t care.
Practicality: Slap it up in a bun and shove flowers in and BOOM you’re done 5/5
Sexiness: She is sex on a stick 5/5
Drama: Hell yeah it’s dramatic, LOOK AT HER 4/5
The higher the hair the closer to god and FUCK ME did Marie like her hair high. Look at it! You could fit your handbag in that thing.
Now Marie was a very fancy and trendy lady who enjoyed the finer things in life. She married Louis XVI of France and became the last queen before the French Revolution (Spoiler: It didn’t end well for her) BUT before she lost her head Marie wowed the French elite with her style.
While she was flashing cash on unbelievably extra wigs France was having a bit of a shit time.
Everyone was super poor so Marie wasn’t that well liked by the people, but hey, she looked fly!
Practicality: She needed doorways knocked through to make room for her wigs… 0/5
Sexiness: Not sexy so much as terrifying 2/5
Drama: Oh hell yeah full marks for these 5/5
The incredible dancer, singer, spy Josephine had the most beautiful flapper hair imaginable.
Jo was famed for her sexy banana dance, but she was also a BADASS French resistance fighter. Using her fame as an entertainer to move around Europe without raising suspicion; passing vital info back to the resistance!
She was the first woman of colour to star in a mainstream motion picture ZouZou in 1934, where she plays a super glam nightclub singer…not much of a stretch for her acting wise.
Her image encapsulated the Jazz Age of the late 1920s and early 1930’s and helped pioneer the civil rights movement.
She’s influenced countless other entertainers since like her royal highness Beyonce.
Practicality: You need A LOT of products to keep this shape 3/5
Sexiness: She is queen of sexy. Don’t agree? I will fight you 5/5
Drama: This is a LEWK 5/5
Queen Elizabeth I
Yes gingers!!! Our resident royal redhead Lizzy herself made this list because she knew how to do power hair.
The daughter of Anne Boleyn and famed twat fire Henry VII, Lizzie took over the throne of England in 1533 and IMMEDIATELY snazzed the joint up.
Famed for having fiery red locks; Liz loved rocked a fancy perm,.She kept those curls tight!
She also wore wigs for most of her life as her hair thinned out and started to go grey as she got older.
It apparently took her 4 HOURS to get ready – slapping on a nice mix of lead paint and vinegar (mmmmm lead) and getting her wig on just right.
Practicality: IT TOOK HER HOURS TO GET READY 2/5
Sexiness: Erm… not my kinda thing but… 2/5
Drama: Definitely full marks for dramaticness 5/5
This sleek and sexy do is one that is instantly recognisable. Bettie bangs are still a much coveted hairstyle TODAY and yes are we ever thankful to Ms Page.
Bettie’s black locks were her signature and helped her carve out a career as a cheesecake/naughty girl pin up back in the 1950’s.
She cut the bangs in when a photographer told her she had an unusually large forehead (rude!)
She posed for a series of bondage and BDSM photos for Irving Klaw and become one of the most recognizable bondage models OF ALL TIME.
She also made some gorgeous cheesecake Burlesque films, our fave of which is Teaserama made in 1955. She’s got the cutest little sexy dance in it!
Practicality: It takes fucking ages to style this 2/5
Sexiness: Holy shiz is this sexy 5/5
Drama: Eh not so dramatic when everyone has the same kinda vintage vibe now 2/5
AAAAAAAAND THE WINNER IS…
but really we’re all winners because we got to look at history’s most fab do’s.